Blind

Day in and day out
zombies at her feet
she joins ranks
flesh rotting from bone
she comes from a broken home
family disowned
dirty, alone
seeing through filth tinted glasses
every breath is dramatic
the echoes...tragic
cutting of flesh
some desperate attempt
hours of superficial painting of skin
quite a deadly smile
she perfects in the end
dancing aimlessly
a masquerade gypsy
beneath a half moon of the fall
spinning circles of madness
pain and deceit
she vicariously spins out of control
living life on a merry go round
her visions are fleeting
distorted and loud
hanging onto a hollow painted plastic elephant
trying desperately to focus on the crowd
explosions of light
filling her eyes with wonder
she loses grip
she's going under
lying in the mud, broken and dizzy
as heels and toes dig into her concrete skin
fissures and chips in the stone of her being
she must do what she is deathly afraid of
a whispery child like voice fills the air...
"help...help...help...me..."
no one can hear, for the fear in her voice
it turns into her mantra
she shouts it louder
insecurities eat into her skin
millions of maggots
each telling of her sins
as she lies trampled and dying
alone in a crowd
a hand reaches down
gripping a fistful of blackened locks
pulling her up as she yells out in pain
no one said it was easy
to claw out of your grave
but with each scream, you gain
close to the surface
she feels the warmth
the drummer in her chest
starts to play
there are strings being plucked in her soul
she fears this journey
thoughts running ramped
the surface
she is afraid to break
for she has been down
underground for so long
and this sunlight
might make her blind~

Been awhile

Not much has happened in my life. Working a lot, and that is about it. Was in my cousin's wedding, and it was beautiful, so thankful she included me in her day. So since I don't have much to write about, let us go to the random topic generator!....

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

 

 

What a question.... Well, it is still a hard one to answer. Ice cream is such a broad term, because there are smoothies to think about, etc. But we will stick with the general "ice cream." I use to like peppermint bon-bon. Ever since I was a small child. I remember we use to all go to Floodwood on Fridays and go to the Bridgman's there. When we did that, I always got a butterscotch sunday. When we went for cones, it was always peppermint bon-bon. I remember getting a peppermint bon-bon cone in my hometown with my grandma, at this little crafty type shop, and I remember being so utterly upset when after about 5 licks (on an excruciatingly hot day) the ball of peppermint goodness rolled right off my cone :( As I grow older, I tend to try new things and change my taste palette a bit. My favorite I still would have to say is peppermint bon-bon, but if it is Cold stone creamery then it is oatmeal ice cream with chunks of Reese's peanut butter cups.......

Wow, so for such a weird topic, I had a wonderful walk down memory lane. :)

 

Why Does it Matter?

"What religion are you?"....
"Why does it matter?"

Day 3

So I am on day 3 without a single cigarette. Am I going out of my mind? Suprisingly it hasn't been that bad....yet. Or so I am telling myself. I think about one once and awhile, but I am not freaking out about having one, so that it a major plus.

Tha hardest part is that I miss the "me" time in smoking. I like that time where I have to excuse myself and go outside and enjoy a smoke by myself. I can still do that, or find a replacement for the cigarette in the "me" time, but it is and never will be the same. I am afraid, quite frankly that I will miss smoking forever, and that is what scares the hell out of me. I have heard from ex smokers that they crave a cigarette just as bad as when they quit (ranging from 1-20 years ago!) I don't want that, I don't want to feel as though I lost a dear dear friend that I could easily bring back from the dead.

Honestly, that is the only thing that is really bugging me about quitting. It is how I feel when I am smoking in private. I must relate it to a positive feeling, but hell if I know what that is. I realize that if you are not a smoker, you would never understand this feeling I have, that I, in no way, can really describe to you. But I would imagine it would be the same as if you were the type of person who liked to have that one silent hot aromatic cup of coffe in the morning, once it is done brewing and you can smell the aroma floating through your home, you pour the delicious brown love into your "first cup" cup, still in your warm comfortable pajamas, you go curl up in your favorite nook, stare out the window while sipping the yummy goodness, taking it all in, knowing that after the cup was gone, your world would wake up, and the chaos return.

Yeah, that's how my first morning cigarette feels. But there is one reason I have any desire and willpower to quit. It is my future... It is my dream.... and when and if that day ever comes, I want my body clean....

Chartrouse

I was watching this show called Sister Wives today, and it really saddened me and got me thinking about America and how we treat others. So Polygamists, historically when caught, the parents go to jail and the children get torn apart and thrown from foster home to foster home. One of the wives remembered when the police showed up at her doorstep and arrested her father, her grandfather and all of her mothers, and threw them in jail and separated the children, the wives are also separated and not allowed to know where each one is. This really got me thinking....Why? America, the land of the free. Where you are suppose to have freedom of religion, etc... Outlawing Polygamy is a religious law. It is a Christian law to be more specific, so is banning gay marriage. So in this land of the free, we are ruled by Christian laws? This confuses me. As well as angers me. I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, it doesn't matter, well, it's not suppose to matter. So your straight, or your gay, your white, black, yellow, chartreuse! I am amazed that all these Christians are deciding how people in America should live, and they say it is to stop them from going to Hell? Its what they are suppose to do, help the wicked? Well do it in another country then! This IS America, land of the Free, and everyone has the right to choose what religion they believe in, and what gender/race they want to marry, so stop intruding with your lies! Gays don't run ramped raping young children as you like to think! And Oh My a same gender couple is getting married, and it is threatening American family life! No.... it's not. And if these Christian laws want to target gays and polygamists, why is there not a ban on inter racial marriage? Seems to me they are pretty picky on what they think is right and wrong. Everyone has the right to be happy in the way they see fit. It is not up to one person to tell another who they can and cannot marry, and I am getting plain sick of it! Love is love is love is love.... who are you to judge? Can't you just let people be happy? Why is love so scary for someone just because it isn't how they think it should be? Has nothing to do with you, so butt out!

Whew!

Wowza, it has been awhile, got this new blog up and been way to busy to do much of anything. News from the past few weeks?

Alec Baldwin says it best....

In my continuing journey to find and fix myself

Dear Mister He Who Shall Not Be Named for Fear of Lawsuit....

When I call you to inform you that we are willing to give you a brand new phone, and after thinking I am delivering you some great news (as previous experience has led me to expect gratitude) you do nothing but scream at me for the next 10 minutes? This is NOT an acceptable form of kindness! After I informed you that I was unaware of the current situation and that I was not the person that you should be talking to, but that I could get you that person, so we could take care of your problem, why didn't you accept this and let me help you?

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.

So after a lot of tests and hospital appointments, I was told that the only way I will ever become pregnant is with medical assistance, to what extent is unknown at this time. My fear has become reality.