Alec Baldwin says it best....

In my continuing journey to find and fix myself


I have went back on anti depressants. I know I need them, I know it is a chemical imbalance, and it is not just something that will fix itself. The first week was great, I actually wanted and did leave my house, I worked out, and really took an interest in making myself healthy again. Then it went all back to how it was before. I don't want to leave my house, visiting people feels like a burden, not an enjoyment. I take little to no interest in much of anything. The only thing I have managed to continue doing is cooking and taking my blood sugars, and eat healthy. But with all the medications I am now on, my blood sugars rarely see the 100's anymore, unless I take my shot and don't eat a thing, then it's still iffy. I had a doctor appointment today, and this doctor couldn't have been more impersonal. He was super quiet, didn't really make eye contact, and didn't really ask many questions. I told him as much as I could about how I was feeling, and that if I am this bad off, I don't want to be on this pill, because obviously it isn't working. He asked if I had any new developments in my life, lol! I replied "yes, both good and bad, but I feel that is pretty normal for any person." Which it is. I got a new job, although it is going to be great for us, I really have no emotion about it, never really had that excited moment, it certainly hasn't made me feel better about myself. And I have the stress of this new PCOS diagnosis, and what to do about planning my future, which is now a heavy burden I must bare. So there is both good and bad. 

All in all, he ended up changing my medication, and I can honestly say I will never see Dr. Good again, lol! I am hoping that if I can get this Diabetes fixed some more, that it will help me feel better, because depression and diabetes are like a catch 22, if one is bad, the other will be too. It is just frustrating that once I started going to the Doctor and they started trying to fix my problems, my diabetes has done nothing but get worse. The doctor today was making it sound like the diabetes was bad before, and I simply replied that my blood sugars and my sleeping didn't become erratic until a week after they started the medication, so obviously that is the reason. I also found it funny that he was asking about the sleeping medication, and why it is only when needed. I mean even my diabetic doctors shook their heads and said to me that it is ridiculous that they give me a pill that makes me not sleep, and the remedy is a pill to make me sleep. I do not want to live like that. I just don't see how it is that difficult to look at my premedication symptoms, and then see the reaction after, and make a change. They just all seem to be be saying "lets wait a week and see if things change." Every doctor has said that, and they say it every week!

I think the worst, besides feeling hopeless about my medical problems, is when I asked the OB/GYN what I am suppose to do now that she has diagnosed me. She didn't even bother to call, just sent me an online message. She said there is no real treatment, and then she said "do you want a normal menstrual cycle or do you want to become pregnant?" I understand that each of those options carry different treatment, but what a way to put it...  don't know, that really bugged me.

So now I have gotten most of this all out, and I definitely had to!

*Huge sigh*

time to start some dinner... and think some more..... and come up with more nothings...