Whew!

Wowza, it has been awhile, got this new blog up and been way to busy to do much of anything. News from the past few weeks?

 Started a new job at St. Luke's hospital. It has made me realize a few things, a: how much I have forgotten and B: how much I still want to learn. Now to just get the motivation to want to learn!

I am once again lacking the motivation to do just about anything, and have no interest in anything. Most of the time I just sit and "am." My life as of now consists of work and doctor appointments, trying to become more healthy, but not wanting to do anything. It is a vicious circle and I don't see a way out as of yet. Visualizing doesn't do much. I have a disease, that needs treatment. No amount of visualization or praying will change that. All these people say that the change is within you... well they obviously don't have depression, because if you have no will, no drive, then there is no change. I can say that I am getting plain sick of feeling this way. I have a great job, a great family, a great man, and I don't have much to complain about, I just wish I felt like I was a part of this greatness, instead of looking at it from the outside thinking "oh that's nice" but not having the want to participate in it. And there it is...

I have no want to participate in my own life

How does one go about fixing this? How does one get the want, the drive, the anything, if it just isn't there? Drugs? Sure anti depressants will help now, but what about in the future? What then? Will I one day snap out of it and be happy with what is? The pills before last were great. I applied for jobs, I was exercising, and actually leaving my home! Then something happened, and I became irritable, filled with anger, and once again, not interested in participating in my own life.

How can I ever strive for anything better, how can I even fathom the idea of having children, if this is how I am? Because as of right now, I don't feel any change. Most days it takes all I have just to get up off the couch. I don't even know how I manage to keep and do well at my job. Work and cooking seems to be all that I am able to do. I have no will to get up and clean, or organize. I do laundry when I am out basically.

Tonight I wanted to do something with Richie, and I tried, but nothing captivates my interest. While the movie was playing, I was sitting on the couch staring at the ceiling, or getting unrealistically irritated that our new T.V. makes Blu-ray look like absolute crap! That is me of late, easily irritated, and lacking interest. So here is to new medication, and what little hope I have left. I feel dead inside, and I need this to change, because it is really starting to wear me down.....