Why Does it Matter?

"What religion are you?"....
"Why does it matter?"

Day 3

So I am on day 3 without a single cigarette. Am I going out of my mind? Suprisingly it hasn't been that bad....yet. Or so I am telling myself. I think about one once and awhile, but I am not freaking out about having one, so that it a major plus.

Tha hardest part is that I miss the "me" time in smoking. I like that time where I have to excuse myself and go outside and enjoy a smoke by myself. I can still do that, or find a replacement for the cigarette in the "me" time, but it is and never will be the same. I am afraid, quite frankly that I will miss smoking forever, and that is what scares the hell out of me. I have heard from ex smokers that they crave a cigarette just as bad as when they quit (ranging from 1-20 years ago!) I don't want that, I don't want to feel as though I lost a dear dear friend that I could easily bring back from the dead.

Honestly, that is the only thing that is really bugging me about quitting. It is how I feel when I am smoking in private. I must relate it to a positive feeling, but hell if I know what that is. I realize that if you are not a smoker, you would never understand this feeling I have, that I, in no way, can really describe to you. But I would imagine it would be the same as if you were the type of person who liked to have that one silent hot aromatic cup of coffe in the morning, once it is done brewing and you can smell the aroma floating through your home, you pour the delicious brown love into your "first cup" cup, still in your warm comfortable pajamas, you go curl up in your favorite nook, stare out the window while sipping the yummy goodness, taking it all in, knowing that after the cup was gone, your world would wake up, and the chaos return.

Yeah, that's how my first morning cigarette feels. But there is one reason I have any desire and willpower to quit. It is my future... It is my dream.... and when and if that day ever comes, I want my body clean....

Chartrouse

I was watching this show called Sister Wives today, and it really saddened me and got me thinking about America and how we treat others. So Polygamists, historically when caught, the parents go to jail and the children get torn apart and thrown from foster home to foster home. One of the wives remembered when the police showed up at her doorstep and arrested her father, her grandfather and all of her mothers, and threw them in jail and separated the children, the wives are also separated and not allowed to know where each one is. This really got me thinking....Why? America, the land of the free. Where you are suppose to have freedom of religion, etc... Outlawing Polygamy is a religious law. It is a Christian law to be more specific, so is banning gay marriage. So in this land of the free, we are ruled by Christian laws? This confuses me. As well as angers me. I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, it doesn't matter, well, it's not suppose to matter. So your straight, or your gay, your white, black, yellow, chartreuse! I am amazed that all these Christians are deciding how people in America should live, and they say it is to stop them from going to Hell? Its what they are suppose to do, help the wicked? Well do it in another country then! This IS America, land of the Free, and everyone has the right to choose what religion they believe in, and what gender/race they want to marry, so stop intruding with your lies! Gays don't run ramped raping young children as you like to think! And Oh My a same gender couple is getting married, and it is threatening American family life! No.... it's not. And if these Christian laws want to target gays and polygamists, why is there not a ban on inter racial marriage? Seems to me they are pretty picky on what they think is right and wrong. Everyone has the right to be happy in the way they see fit. It is not up to one person to tell another who they can and cannot marry, and I am getting plain sick of it! Love is love is love is love.... who are you to judge? Can't you just let people be happy? Why is love so scary for someone just because it isn't how they think it should be? Has nothing to do with you, so butt out!

Whew!

Wowza, it has been awhile, got this new blog up and been way to busy to do much of anything. News from the past few weeks?

Alec Baldwin says it best....

In my continuing journey to find and fix myself

Dear Mister He Who Shall Not Be Named for Fear of Lawsuit....

When I call you to inform you that we are willing to give you a brand new phone, and after thinking I am delivering you some great news (as previous experience has led me to expect gratitude) you do nothing but scream at me for the next 10 minutes? This is NOT an acceptable form of kindness! After I informed you that I was unaware of the current situation and that I was not the person that you should be talking to, but that I could get you that person, so we could take care of your problem, why didn't you accept this and let me help you?

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.

So after a lot of tests and hospital appointments, I was told that the only way I will ever become pregnant is with medical assistance, to what extent is unknown at this time. My fear has become reality.