Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.

So after a lot of tests and hospital appointments, I was told that the only way I will ever become pregnant is with medical assistance, to what extent is unknown at this time. My fear has become reality.




 I always guessed it in the back of my mind, but having that fear validated… I just came home and cried. Granted I have always wanted to adopt, and at one time in my life didn’t want any of my own. My grandma remembers when I was 12 years old saying that I only wanted to adopt because I felt it selfish to bring a child into a world where there were so many children that didn’t have parents, but my clock was just late I guess, because I want one of my own, just one. And now I have all of this stress on me as well.
My life has gone so drastically wrong, and only took a right turn about 4 years ago. So I am left here thinking about what I want and need out of my life and how it just doesn’t seem to fit with my decisions. My Fiancé is 3+ years younger than me, I am a diabetic who must decide when I want to become pregnant, and if I wait till I am 30, my chances are small, but I remember being his age, I remember being in college and all the stress, and lack of sleep and money. I couldn’t do that to him, and so here I am wondering what I am suppose to do, because something that is suppose to come naturally is now in my hands. I love my soon to be, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I have been married before and I learned my lessons, I am a little more knowledgeable in my “young age” than people tend to think, but so help me, there are things in my life that just don’t coincide with the direction I want to go. All these things… I am definitely not where I wanted to be 5 years ago. I mean I am 28 years old! Still young, but old enough where I should be more established than this!
In the midst of all of this, all I can think of is how everything will affect him, not that he is definably strong enough to handle most anything, and the fact that there are things I want, that I can’t put on his shoulders. For once, I see him as too young. He has college ahead of him, etc. I am done with all of that, I am ready for what is next in my life, so do I jeopardize the things I want, while I wait for him to catch up? Do I risk never creating the life I so desperately want, just so I don’t ruin his? Yeah a lot of people have kids in my situation, mostly by accident, and it is hard for them, mostly financially, and even trying to get through school with a child, it is not an easy thing, nor something you would want to wish on someone else. I don’t even know how to plan for the future. I remember that time, when you just don’t know what you want to do, it takes awhile to figure it out.
So I sit here with all these questions, all these memories, and all these hopes…